Have you ever tried to validate your position during an argument by saying, “Oh, but that wasn’t my intention”? You might say, “No, no, no, that is not what I was trying to do, that’s not it.” If you have noticed that you have done this, you need to acknowledge that this has actually never helped at all. In fact, it does show that you need to better understand the big difference between your intent and the impact.
This is a major misunderstanding and a major mis-execution on many partners’ parts: trying to argue for intent over just understanding the impact. You can have the best of intentions, and it still creates another impact.
The Difference Between Intent and Impact
Let’s just define these two first of all.
- Intent is an aim or determination to act in a certain way towards maybe an intended goal.
- Impact is having an effect on someone or something else.
A part of what you really have to get, especially when emotions are going—especially when you feel maybe even that your partner is blaming you or they feel escalating their emotion—is that you just have to admit to yourself that because you intend something does not mean that that is how the impact lands. You are not going to be 100% accurate to your intention and the impact or result.
When we say it like that, it seems obvious. How many other things do you intend in your life? You intend to do well on your job, or you intend that your kids turn out and act a certain way. Is your intention the main thing that has them turn out that way? No. When we are talking about conflict with your romantic partner, you have to pause and understand. Let them share with you the impact that your actions had, no matter if that was the intention or not.
The Golf Analogy: Explaining to the Ball
Think about this analogy. Say you are golfing and you hit the ball into someone’s yard. Now, you take your little cart over, you go stand over the ball, and you try to argue and explain to the ball that it was not your intention for it to land here.
Is the ball going to say, “Oh my gosh, shoot, you are right! I didn’t realize at the time what your intent was. Let me pick myself up and I’m gonna move over into the middle of the fairway because I now understand what your intent was”?
No. It doesn’t matter to the ball. It doesn’t matter right now to explain your intent because the action that you took produced this result. How you executed your swing, no matter your intention to swing perfect and hit it in the middle, the impact of your execution is you are now in someone’s yard next to their barbecue.
Why Humans Are More Complicated Than Golf Balls
You could say, “Okay, I get that about the ball, however, we’re human beings.” Right now, that actually makes it even a little bit more complicated because you are two different people.
You can, as one person, say, “Okay, but here was my intention, you know, you shouldn’t feel that way because of this.” Well, you are taking action from your own perception, your own view, your own self. That is different than your partner, who is a different human being. They have a different emotional state going on. They are going through different things. They have their own view.
It is even more complicated because you are two different humans and you are going to experience the same event differently. One person is not affected and the other person is. That is part of what even leads to conflict escalating. It is this battle for “No, no, that’s not it and this is what I was trying to do.” Now it is escalating and it is triggering the other person. They feel invalidated, and it only becomes bigger.
Example: Work vs. Family Time
We were working with a couple through a frustration that was really creating some recurring tense conversations or even leading to an argument about work versus family time. He was arguing that he was working so hard, even sometimes on what was supposed to be just a family day, like a Saturday or a Sunday.
He kept saying, “My intention is to create you know security for us. That’s why I’m doing this, you’re totally misunderstanding.”
And she was saying, “Okay, but the impact is that I feel unprioritized. I feel unloved. I feel lonely even.”
They kept going back and forth. He kept going, “But that’s not my intention. I’m doing this for our family. I’m working so hard for us. I want us to have security.”
And she’s like, “I love all that, thank you, of course a partner appreciates that. However, the impact, the unintended impact, is I feel lonely. I feel unloved from that even.”
Notice that it doesn’t mean you have a bad intention. You could say, “No, no, no, I’m not malicious. I’m not a bad person. I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad. Even more so, I know it doesn’t make sense that you would take it that way because I didn’t intend that.” Yet, the impact remains.
The Problem with Arguing for Intent
When you argue for your intent, who is the focus on? You.
You are bringing the focus on you, which leaves the other person feeling unresolved. They are thinking, “Okay, I hear all about you. I hear all about your intention. But what about me? I’m the one that’s feeling something here.”
Whereas when you are acknowledging the impact, the focus is on them. This makes them feel validated. You are always going to have more influence on someone when you put them first. You cannot influence someone if you don’t understand them first. If you can understand their perspective, what’s impacting them, what’s influencing them, you really will have leverage.
We have had conversations with couples very recently where, when they try to bring up something that is challenging or is even important to them, their partner might share, “Well, that wasn’t my intent.” Immediately, they are taken off guard. It is like, “Well wait a second, I’m trying to openly share with you, which might feel vulnerable, and all of a sudden how did this conversation turn around to be about you?”
That is always going to create a certain defensiveness. That is always going to create a certain unfairness or not feeling important. When you shift the conversation, especially when your partner is trying to share with you, when you share your intent, it is now about you.
Why Do We Feel the Need to Explain?
Consider for a moment why you need that so badly. Why do you need to explain it? Why is it burning inside of you? It is almost like it takes you away from listening.
You really have to consider what is going on inside of you. You could label it an ego, or part of your personality, or just ask: Why is this desire there? Does it really need to be?
If you start to think about it, it probably has something to do with the fact that you want them to see you in a positive light. You know what the intention was, it was taken a different way, your action from the best of places didn’t land how you want. In one sense, you probably feel bad—maybe you feel guilty about making them feel bad or feeling hurt. So in a sense, you do want to alleviate the feeling of guilt.
But I think also, you want to be seen by your partner, or by anyone in life, as being a good person, as being a moral person, as being a thoughtful person. It is just this innate need to see you in the right light—to see you in the light you intended. You do want to be seen as a good person; you definitely don’t want to be seen as a bad person.
Timing is Everything: When Can I Explain My Intent?
So, I do want to speak to the question that is on the table: “Well, when do I get to clarify my intention?”
It really falls into one of two places:
- A Timing Factor
- Maybe Not at All
1. The Timing Factor
First, acknowledging impact has to be the first thing you do when there is emotion, when there is a conflict, when there is an argument. It is not the right time to explain intent initially.
When it is really about the other person, your partner, and they are sharing the impact on them, you are validating them. Hopefully, you are using active listening—you are listening to them, you are keeping the focus on them, you are validating, affirming, “I hear you,” and then expressing some degree of either remorse or empathy for it. That is the main focus.
You don’t want to follow up the empathy and the remorse with, “But can I explain?” That may not be the right time. You might actually negate all the positive progress of validating them if you bring it up right then.
So maybe later on, you can circle back and say, “Hey, can I share a little bit more about my intention from before? I just feel like there’s part of me that I want to explain and that’ll just help me.”
You want to check with them. It gives them an opportunity. Sometimes they might be a yes, and sometimes not. But then you get a chance to see if they are open to it right then. You can ask in this conversation once you have acknowledged the impact. Then you just have to honor whether they are ready for it at that moment or not.
If your partner does feel understood—they are validated, the impact is understood—and you say, “Okay, let’s come back to this conversation later,” you may find that when it comes to later, you are already connected. Your partner is appreciative that you got the impact, and you might not feel that strong need to have to now explain yourself again.
2. Not At All
The other place would be that it doesn’t need to be explained at all. That is where you need to ask yourself what part of you really needs to explain it. Is it really necessary?
That is really where it takes just being really a conscious person and asking, “What part of me needs to explain this? Can I just let it go? Can I just surrender into this and really have it not be about me?”
That is really a powerful opportunity right then to say, “You know what? Actually, I don’t need to explain this at all. Let me just keep the focus on them.” Only you are going to really know.
Finding Certainty Within Yourself
Just check in: What if you were certain and you knew for yourself that you set out with the best intent?
Acknowledging that you know that you are a good person, a thoughtful person, an intentional person—at the end of the day, isn’t that probably the main thing? When you are trying to explain or convince someone that you are good and you have the best intent, maybe that is a signal for you to look within yourself. Are you not thinking that you are acting from the best intent? Or is there some personal work for you to do within yourself?
If you are certain within yourself on where your actions come from—that you came from good intent—that should give you enough peace. That should give you enough being settled or being grounded energy that that is the best place for you to then listen to other people.
You can be completely settled. If you knew what your intent was, your energy, your attitude can be super open to hearing from anyone in your life, let alone your partner, about what the impact was. You are in a much better place to empathize, to sympathize, to understand, to hear them out because you are not shaken. You are not wobbly within yourself.
Summary: Intent vs. Impact Comparison
Here is a breakdown of how focusing on intent differs from focusing on impact during a conflict.
| Feature | Focusing on Intent | Focusing on Impact |
| Primary Focus | Focuses on YOU (your thoughts, your reasons). | Focuses on THEM (their feelings, their reality). |
| Effect on Partner | Makes them feel invalidated, unheard, and unresolved. | Makes them feel validated, understood, and important. |
| Emotional Result | Often leads to escalation and defensiveness. | De-escalates conflict and leads to repair. |
| Underlying Need | A need to be seen as “good” or alleviate guilt. | A need to connect and resolve the issue. |
| Best Strategy | Save for later, after the partner feels heard. | Start here. Acknowledge impact immediately. |
Just an invitation really for all of us to say: Is this maybe just a place where I need to get more grounded and certain within myself and where I am acting from?
If you notice that you’ve done this, acknowledge it. It is not that you will not have the opportunity to share your intent; it is just not yet the right time. Acknowledging impact has to be the first thing you do.
When you master this, you might find yourself saying, “I don’t feel my age” because the stress of constant arguing has lifted. Navigating conflict maturely is a skill, much like when “I passed my driving test”—it takes practice, awareness, and the right focus to get to your destination safely.